A BuzzFeed documentary is in the works & I have the leaked screenplay

Plus: A look back at my time there.

A new documentary film charting the rise of BuzzFeed is in development. I worked at the company from 2013 to 2014, aka the first year of their video department. The new film is rumored to have many scripted reenactments and I was fortunate enough to obtain this particular section. Please enjoy.

That time we worked with the Muppets. (Me, far left, stupid smile.)

INT. BUZZFEED OFFICES - DAY

Two EXECUTIVES sit at their desks, contemplating the future.

EXECUTIVE 1
I'm hearing short online video is going to be a thing.

EXECUTIVE 2
Are you sure? That doesn’t seem monetizable.

EXECUTIVE 1
No. Nope. Nope. It’s uh, it’s definitely going to be a major thing.

EXECUTIVE 2
Well. We're going to need some good people in here to crack it.

EXECUTIVE 1
Have you heard of Bobby Miller?

EXECUTIVE 2
Are you fucking serious?

EXECUTIVE 1
What?

EXECUTIVE 2
Bobby Miller is the reason I get up in the morning.

EXECUTIVE 1
I heard he's trying to put together his first feature film and will probably need to earn a living too. Apparently writing feature films on spec doesn’t pay anything.

EXECUTIVE 2
Shame. Did you know he won two webby awards?

EXECUTIVE 1
What's a webby award?

Executive 2 isn’t actually sure and looks it up on his laptop.

EXECUTIVE 2
According to their website, they’re the “oscars of the internet.” But, also you have to pay for the trophy if you win.

EXECUTIVE 1
Sounds legit. Let's get his ass.

INT. POOL / FANCY APARTMENT COMPLEX - LATER THAT DAY

Bobby floats in a pool. Not a care in the world. After working at several startup video companies, he’s become one of the wealthiest video creators in the world. His phone rings and he paddles over to answer it.

Just kidding. He’s the goddamn pool boy.

BOBBY
Hello? If this is my landlord, please know I’ll have the rent soon.

EXECUTIVE 2
We’re calling from Buzzfeed.

BOBBY
The listicle place?

EXECUTIVE 1
The very same. We'd like you to join us on the ground floor of our new video department.

BOBBY
Thanks, but no thanks. I'm a very important artist. I don’t make list videos. I make high class films about guys jerking off into tubs and impregnating them.

EXECUTIVE 1
C'mon Bobby. You aren't interested in creating video versions of “23 things short people understand intuitively, but tall people just don’t get”?

BOBBY
Not particularly.

Bobby uses a skimmer to scoop a piece of hair from the pool and weighs his options.

EXECUTIVE 2
What if we said we'd pay you like an adult. Like, an actual adult, for the first time in your life?

Bobby watches a human turd float by in the pool.

BOBBY
I'm listening.

SMASH CUT TO:

MONTAGE

Bobby works his way up the Buzzfeed video dept, starting with listicle videos and ending with one of the most beloved fictional franchises the corporation ever came up with: The Creep.

There are elaborate parties honoring the young(ish) man.

There’s also a scene where he speaks with the Try Guys, but they are all interns at the time and honestly very nice to him.

It’s not true, but we also insinuate he came up with the idea for the Try Guys. And that they owe him money.

Eventually, he leaves BuzzFeed to make his first feature film THE CLEANSE, which wins ten oscars.

The film opens the door for him and he makes many more movies, all escalating in budget and scope.

Many call him a visionary genius.

He dies peacefully surrounded by family and many celebrities.

FADE OUT:

THE END.

---

I have a couple of notes. But, in general, this script is spot on.

But, SERIOUSLY FOLKS:

What can I say about my time at BuzzFeed? We had an insane workload — writing, directing, producing, sometimes acting in, and editing two videos a week. We were also one-person bands, shooting our own stuff, recording our own sound. There was no “film crew”.

I remember the job fondly, even if it did burn me out.

This video below does a great job of documenting those early days. (A Big THANK YOU to Ella and her team for putting it together.)

Okay. You twisted my arm. Here are some videos I made at BuzzFeed…

First, the Creep video that put us on the map!

Most videos were shot in the office, where people with important jobs (like sales!) were also working. Towards the end of my tenure, BuzzFeed invested in a barebones studio space. I loved it and started doing a lot of “blackbox” videos, including this one:

Oh! And here’s the original creep video, which had no “frame,” as they say in the business:

Okay. This one below might be considered problematic now? But I love Andrew’s delivery of the Daddy lines in it, and also, it has over 16 million views, so, like, society is the problematic one!!!

After a particularly grueling month, management allowed us to focus on one video. (Instead of two per week) We were also allowed to do whatever we wanted! I created this fake “found footage” video with the idea we would post it to a random page and pretend it was real. Also: I may have gone insane shooting it.

Here’s a creep video for the kids:

Honestly, I was really lucky at BuzzFeed. I had been making internet videos long before they hired me, and they mostly let me do whatever I wanted. But this Drunk concept was forced on me. I just didn’t believe in it! I don’t even remember my reasons! However, the last bit at 37 seconds (with the fake bottle) is one of my favorites. I also ended the video with Andrew vomiting. My form of protest?

I think the next video is the last Creep video I ever did. Lord knows Buzzfeed did many more after I was gone! Lord knows I had no ownership over anything I made there! Anyways…It may not be the strongest one, BUT tis the season!

Oh boy. Why am I going to admit I did this next one? Yes. This is a song I made (and sing on) based on another Buzzfeed post of the same name.

And now my last video for BuzzFeed. Look how I weave the Creep back into it at the very end. Poetic shit, right there!

However, I am saving the best video for last.

Just kidding.

This one was considered so bad that management wasn’t sure if it should be released. Eventually, they did because #WeNeedContent.

This was me and a handful of BuzzFeeders just improv-ing to Shark photos.

I’m so sorry.