My Apple Vision Pro needs swirly insurance :(

I'm tired of getting my head forced into a toilet bowl!

Hey guys,

I LOVE my new Apple Vision Pro. As Casey Neistat said, it’s the greatest piece of tech I’ve ever used. It makes Pokemon Go look like a pile of shit!

I’m having so much fun augmenting my world that I’m literally erect for hours at a time.

(Painfully, I might add.)

However, there is one problem. And it’s a big one…

Swirlies.

Yesterday, I wore my Vision Pros out for a fun day in the city. But as I was ordering my morning coffee at Starbucks, two strangers spied my headgear and forcibly lifted me from the counter. I was carried toward the men’s restroom, where I quickly learned to hold my breath inside a toilet bowl.

My new Vision Pros were soaked.

I thought swirlies were an old-fashioned form of bullying. Something out of step with our times. But, apparently, putting someone’s head into a toilet bowl and flushing…is back in style. All thanks to Apple’s latest gadget.

I contacted the tech giant about the issue, but they brushed me off. One Apple Genius even guffawed. According to him, Applecare will never have an option for swirlie insurance. Wedgies? Forget it.

Luckily, my Vision Pros still functioned, and I was able to see a movie while checking my email and chatting with friends. I have no idea what the film was about, but I sure loved the dopamine hit, having multiple streams of content feeding my eyeballs. At one point, a man patted me on the shoulder. From there, it was a blur, but long story short, my head was in the goddamn toilet again.

To be honest, while wearing Apple’s latest gadget, I spent most of the day in the confines of a public toilet. Eventually, my Vision Pro sputtered unseemly water and died.

Tim Cook, I know you read this site. Please. I’m getting swirlied and wedgied within an inch of my life. Please update your applecare offerings. I can’t take another mouthful of toilet water.